Dear Pastor Sean Harris,

Hey.

So, I read your sermon last week. Wow… if your 4 year-old son shows a limp wrist, you said to just “crack that wrist…give him a good punch.” And then there were the giggles from your audience. Preach it, preacher man, they seemed to say. Tell us more of your hilarious jokes.

Oh, and that was funny. Punch the queer kid. Make him go “dig a ditch”. That’ll learn him.

You are a card, Sean Harris.

I mean, the media didn’t get it. Probably because they’re just a bunch of liberals. Why would they get it? They don’t understand the Word of God like you do. You even explained it to one person over the phone. You were exaggerating. Just as Jesus did when he said it is better to cut your hand off and cast it away should it cause you to sin, than to let your whole body burn in the fires of hell. And while he didn’t say it per se, I’m sure he meant that you should cut somebody else’s hand off if they sin, too. Or at least “crack” it. Everybody knows you should stick it to everyone around you, too.

What would Jesus do?

Punch his kid, that’s what.

At least, that’s what former world boxing lightweight champion Jesus Chavez would do.

Maybe.

Perhaps that’s debatable, really.

But at the very least, everyone knows homosexuality is a sin. Well, every “true” Christian knows it, don’t they? Not those liberal Christians who have shown there is some question about the actual biblical message on this topic. Some room for debate. Talking about things like context and proper translation and the like, actually taking the Greek words “malakos” and “arsenokoitai” to task and claiming that one or two of the mentions of homosexuality in the English translation may have originally meant sex with a male temple prostitute. Some of them even think the story of Sodom and Gomorrah wasn’t about homosexuality, pointing out that the crowd of men outside Lot’s house wanted to rape the visiting angels. That’s not a loving relationship between two people of the same sex, they try to claim. Whatever. We both know that that’s just how homosexuals behave. Every last one of them. And perhaps just as importantly, there’s a lesson to be learned in that passage, too. More people should follow Lot’s lead and throw their daughters to homosexual men. It might just help straighten them up.

Because let’s face it, God made men and He made women. You talked a lot about Adam and Eve in your sermon as evidence that God created only two sexes, one for the other. No crossing over of gender roles. And it’s important to take the Bible at its word here, because otherwise we might get confused. I mean…some people might try to argue that this line gets a little fuzzy with hermaphrodites or “intersex” individuals. And I’m not just talking about Jabba the Hutt or papayas here. I’m talking a child born with both a penis and ovaries … now that’s confusing. What could be even more confusing is that as much as 1% of the world population (that’s 70 million+ people alive today, 200,000 in the US alone) has some degree of genital ambiguity. Of those, there is a smaller percentage–but still very real–of people for whom sex cannot be medically determined. But it’s good we have Adam and Eve to point to to clarify that for us. There is no room for debate. God made men and He made women. Personally, I think hermaphrodites may not really exist.

And of course, you were only kidding about the punching bit, weren’t you? Not that it would be wrong if you weren’t. The Bible says that if you spare the rod you spoil the child. To be totally biblical, you should have suggested something harsher. Caning, perhaps. Yes. Definitely caning. That would have straightened up that “limp wrist”. Cane them…and then send them out to dig a ditch.

“God’s plan in almost all cases is for you to get married,” you said. I love this, because clearly you’re not so fundamentalist that you would pay any heed to those silly little verses in I Corinthians 7:8-9: “So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows–it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am.  But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

Well played, Pastor Sean. Well played. You’ve officially thrown the liberal media off your scent.

And I suppose that’s why you brought up at the beginning why you care about this issue legislatively:  ”So what do I care about this? Well, if you are a small business owner and you provide health care to a spouse you could find yourself providing health care to a dude that can never ever get pregnant.”

*boom!*

That would be awful, wouldn’t it? Having to pay health insurance for someone who can’t get pregnant? Certainly we all know that health insurance exists for that purpose.  The thought that someone would use it for any other reason is, well, to my mind, staggering. People should get married and have babies so that the health insurance is actually worthwhile.

Right.

Well, it’s been fun chatting with you.

LYLAS,

Erika

PS – That was totally cool of you to say that girls could do sports and still please God, as long as they dress pretty. (Yes!)