This week, yet another video of a preacher speaking out against the LGBT community has gone viral.
This time, it’s Pastor Charles Worley out of (wait for it) North Carolina who tells his congregation that he has an idea, but that he “couldn’t get it past congress”.
He then proceeds to reveal his delightful plan to rid the country of the LGBT community like an evangelical version of Hitler. Unlike Hitler, however, Pastor Worley’s plan includes the extermination of 9,000,000 people, whereas Hitler only exterminated 6,000,000:
“Build a great big large fence 50 or 100 miles long. Put all the lesbians in there. Fly over and drop some food. Do the same thing with the queers and the homosexuals. Have that fence electrified so they can’t get out. You know what, in a few years, they’ll die out. You know why? They can’t reproduce.”
Because everybody knows that homosexual offspring come only from homosexual parents.
Next, he asks the men of the congregation to imagine kissing another man, after which he stares distastefully off into space for several seconds as he imagines along with them.
I, for one, am sad to report that I failed the assignment as I could not get past the thought of having to kiss Pastor Worley.
When questioned about their iced-tea-pot-pie-loving-evangelical-teddy-bear-of-a-fascist pastor’s plan to rid America of the LGBT community, several members of his congregation rushed to his defense.
“He just tells it like it is,” responded one Stacey Pritchard (nearly lifelong member of Worley’s congregation), before explaining that Pastor Worley is only preaching what the Bible says about homosexuality.
Another church member by the name of Geneva Sims said Worley was justified to “say what he said about putting them (gays and lesbians) in a pen and giving them food… the Bible says they are worthy of death. He is preaching God’s word.”
Well, Geneva. This is your lucky day.
I’m not going to argue with you.
Not one little bit.
Instead, I’m going to unequivocally agree with you. Why? Because you’re right! The Bible does say that two men who lie together are worthy of death. It’s right there in Leviticus 20:13.
Well, I don’t suppose it says anything about lesbians there, but I’m sure it meant to say that.
As a matter of fact, you are SO right, that I have decided to help you. While the rest of the liberal media types are busy nailing you to the wall over this, I have taken the time to compile for you a list. Just a few other things that the Bible says are worthy of death. You know…so you can have an easy reference guide to keep in your Bible or on your refrigerator when you’re trying to figure out whether someone you know has done something that is worthy of being killed for or, specifically, needing several rocks thrown at their head. After all, the Bible does sometimes specify the method. You wouldn’t want to accidentally burn somebody to death when you should have stoned them.
Now, I may need to warn you: the Bible is pretty specific in Deuteronomy 17:6 that if you discover somebody who needs a good stoning and you call them on it, then you have to be the first to throw the stone before the others can join you in the task. Make sure it’s a nice jagged stone with heft to it. Oh, and don’t miss. That’s just messy and cruel.
(And you’re welcome.)
WORTHY OF DEATH – A BIBLICAL GUIDE
When to Stone, When to Burn, When to Pick Your Weapon of Choice (WoC)
“The law is permanent for all future generations.” -Numbers 15:15
TWO MEN WHO LIE TOGETHER “AS ONE DOES WITH A WOMAN” (WoC)
DISOBEDIENT CHILDREN (Stone)
Matthew 15:4, Deuteronomy 21:18-21
OWNER OF AN OX THAT ACCIDENTALLY KILLS SOMEONE (WoC )
PERSON WHO KILLS A BURGLAR AFTER (BUT NOT BEFORE) SUNRISE (WoC)
ANYBODY WHO IS NOT A MEMBER OF YOUR CHURCH WHO IS CAUGHT NEAR YOUR CHURCH (WoC)
ANYONE WHO SHEDS BLOOD, ACCIDENTAL OR OTHERWISE (Stone)
Genesis 9:6, Leviticus 24:17 (Numbers 35:11 provides for a city to which people who have killed somebody accidentally can flee– Phew!)
PERSON WHO DRESSES UP AS THE OPPOSITE SEX (Stone)
ANYONE WHO LIGHTS A FIRE ON THE SABBATH (Stone)
HOMOSEXUAL CHILDREN (Stone)
I Samuel 20:31-33
YOUR WHOLE FAMILY, SHOULD THEY ATTEMPT TO ENTICE YOU TO WORSHIP OTHER GODS (Stone)
IN WAR, THE ENTIRE MALE POPULATION – You may then proceed to rape, er, “marry” any woman you like (after you shave her head and cut her nails). (WoC)
YOUR GRANDMOTHER, FOR COOKING ON THE SABBATH – Includes all form of work, e.g. cooking pot roast, making your bed, driving your car, restoring sight to the blind, etc. (WoC)
CHILDREN WHO BLASPHEME (Stone)
ANYONE WHO TOUCHES MOUNT SINAI (Stone)
ANYONE WHO TOUCHES “THE ACCURSED THING” (Stone)
APOLOGETIC THIEVES (Stone, then burn)
MARRIED CITY GIRLS WHO ARE RAPE VICTIMS, but NOT married country girls. Non-married girls simply have to marry their rapists. (Stone)
WOMEN (But Not Men) WHO ARE NOT VIRGINS ON THEIR WEDDING NIGHT (Stone)
OTHER GOD WORSHIPPERS – e.g. polytheistic Romans and Greeks, Vikings, Hindus, Pygmies, etc. (Stone)
SABBATH STICK COLLECTORS – e.g. Girls Scouts, Boy Scouts, weekend campers (Stone)
KING CURSERS – e.g. King George / Obama haters (Stone)
I Kings 21:10
DUDES WHO DIG ANIMALS – e.g. Lonely sheep farmers (WoC)
WOMEN WHO FLIRT WITH ANIMALS (WoC)
A MAN WHO HAS SEX WITH HIS FATHER’S WIFE – (Kill both – WoC)
ANYONE WHO MARRIES A GIRL AND HER MOTHER (Burn all 3)
ANY MAN WHO BEATS HIS SLAVE AND KILLS HIM/HER – but if the slave survives at least 2 days after the beating and then dies, the master is off the hook because the “slave is his property”. (WoC)
PERSON WHO IS DISOBEDIENT TO A PRIEST / JUDGE (WoC)
HUMAN SACRIFICERS (stone)
PLUS A Few Bonuses!:
BALL GRABBING WOMEN IN DEFENSE OF THEIR HUSBANDS (Cut off hand)
CRUSHED BALLS? NO PENIS? (No church!)
SEX DURING PERIOD? (Cut off both man and woman from people)
(Or, we could, you know… choose peace.)