Meet Adam.

Adam was the first human, placed in the Garden of Eden as a fully developed white man in order to rule over the animals and to have meaningful conversations with God. He needed no evolutionary help whatsoever and certainly never would have stooped so low as *tsk* cave drawings. He was strong, wore his hair neatly cropped like a US president and was a nudist vegan, which was, apparently, in alignment with God’s image.

Now, every good Christian knows that God is available 24/7 to attend to any of us 7 billion people on this planet, but back when He was busy wrapping things up with earth creation and dealing with rebellious angelic forces, He was apparently sometimes not available to chat with Adam.

As a result, Adam was lonely, feeling the strong urge to chit-chat about this and that, and also to cuddle. Plus, he was watching the animals around him in a perpetual state of spring and wondering when he was going to get some, too.

So, when God could not fill every conversational and physical void that Adam apparently had (e.g. “No seriously, Adam, I’m busy right now”), a rib was procured in order to make somebody with whom to comfort and/or distract Adam. A decoy, if you will. Somebody to either fill a void that God could or would not, or possibly to simply be the closest replacement conversationalist slash comforter to God as possible. To accomplish this, this person would have to have been an even closer likeness to God than Adam for the presentation to have been successful.

It is also possible that, as God knows the future, His plan all along was to make Eve for Adam and was purposefully drawing attention to his loneliness and need for a woman, so that by the time she got there he would be hornier than a 9th grade boy after attending a Ke$ha show and ready to populate the 6-day-old planet.

Enter Eve.

Eve was the ideal woman: medium tall, Rubenesque, alabaster skin, fully coifed, nude and under direct orders from God to put out. It is unclear whether she possessed an extra rib from the procedure, or whether the rib was absorbed altogether, but the two were happy with their naked, hairy bodies enough to prance around free swinging from vines and eating vegetables and fruit and generally acting like the Playboy mansion had been transplanted in Boulder, Colorado or possibly Austin, Texas. As Eve must have always been pregnant or about to be, it is reasonable to assume she not only never had a period, but that without discomfort in childbirth, babies shot out of her like kindergartners on a Slip n’ Slide.

Sidenote: The account in Genesis never mentions the success or failure of her orders to fill the earth with children before the Fall, as the only two named children are Cain and Abel. But she must have had other children. When Cain is kicked out later for killing his brother, Abel, he flees to an entire village of them far away. Presumably this is where Adam and Eve’s children went to continue procreating with each other after they grew up, and after breaking all ties with their embarrassing hippy parents who refused to wear clothing in public.

For some reason, before the arrival of the humans, God saw fit to put a tree in the garden—one that would be off-limits to the humans, but fully irresistible. Able to foresee the future in its entirety, God knew the humans could not resist The Tree, but placed it there in full view of them anyway, presumably for the purpose of a test He knew they would fail. “This is the Tree of Knowledge between good and evil. Don’t eat from it,” said God. It is logical to infer that this edict may have been followed by a very large eye roll.

One day, when Adam excused himself to go make some hummus and baba ganoush, Eve was approached by a serpent. The serpent, who was really Satan in disguise, told her that God was keeping secrets from her and that she should taste The Tree’s fruit. Thinking it must be perfectly normal for serpents to talk, she engaged him in conversation. At first, she argued with him, but finally gave up because 1) fruit is delicious and 2) as she had not yet tasted of The Tree’s fruit, she did not yet know the difference between good and evil.

When Adam came back and saw her munching forbidden fruit flesh, he dropped his tapas tray and ran to her in a mild hypoglycemic frenzy. “What are you doing? God said we can’t eat those!”

She shrugged glibly. “It’s delicious. Besides, how are we supposed to know if it’s wrong if we don’t know right from wrong yet?”

Realizing that she had a point – and also that she continued to be naked – Adam scratched his chin stash, thoughtfully.

“All right.” And he, too, chomped on the forbidden fruit flesh.

When God came back to the garden, he found Adam and Eve ironically dressed in vines, avoiding His eyes and reading a dog-eared copy of Ulysses.

God was pissed—despite the fact that He already knew that Adam and Eve would disobey Him at that precise moment in time and already had plenty of time to cool off in advance. He banished the two from the garden and told Adam that because of his disobedience, he and all men except for Arabian sheiks and a few French kings would have to work with their hands their entire life. He told Eve that because of her, women everywhere would be cursed with labor pains, which is why it is ungodly to use ibuprofen, acquire a voluntary Caesarean section, or to opt out of having children altogether.

The two left the garden by force, discovered hamburgers and wore gender-specific clothes in front of each other from then on.

This story demonstrates not only that God favors vegans, pre-arranged couplings, and incest as a valid method of earth population, but that the traditional ritual of marriage as we know it today is not even necessary. There seems to also be a strong argument that men are better off without women, unless where procreation is necessary. Additionally, it demonstrates man’s inherent superiority over woman as Eve was created for Adam and not the other way around. Clearly, the needy Adam was designed to be the stronger of the two sexes, despite the fact that Eve had to deal with the Lord of Darkness himself while Adam lost face with men for all time due to the persuasion of a woman and a piece of fruit.

Right. Clearly.

 

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How much of your understanding of the Bible is influenced by how you have been taught to interpret it? Just a friendly reminder that if you look for love in the Bible, you’ll find it. And if you look for a reason to discriminate and validate your prejudices, well, you’ll find that too.

Choose love.